“My dear friend,
When grief presses you to the dust,
Worship there…”
-Charles Spurgeon
On a beautiful Colorado Sunday years ago, Larry mentioned to our pastor that he was having a desert experience. The pastor responded, “Oh, Larry, Jesus likes your company. He’s there, too.” That simple phrase gave him comfort.
Fast forward about ten years from that conversation to today, two days before the date of our 58th wedding anniversary, the grief is pressing me into the dust. The anniversaries and birthdays haven’t been as difficult to face since Larry’s been gone. The hardest seem to be events like our first grandchild giving birth to our first great-grandchild, funerals of friends where congregations sang It Is Well With My Soul, our Crabb family hymn, the weddings of some of our favorite kiddos, still signing the cards Larry and Rachael, and unexpected health diagnoses and many doctors visits alone. But the big event is turning eighty years old without Larry.
I’m a fixer and I wanted to figure out why grief is all of a sudden pressing me in the dust. I stewed for days when I should have been worshiping. Still stewing, I went to church and the passage for expository congregational worship was Psalm 46. The word selah (praise, pause) is used three times and the pastor had us pause and individually reflect on a question after each selah. The question posed after the second selah:
How has God helped You?
He then had us hang our arms by our sides to represent being still. I felt such calm and peace wash over me. In conclusion, he pointed out four “be stills” from Psalm 46.
- Be still because of proven presence (God is in the midst; The Lord of hosts is with us)
- Be still through judgment
- Be still in the midst of chaos
- Be still because of the promised peace
We grieve differently and I want a community that speaks truth to my thirsty soul. He has had a proven presence in my life and I can worship in the dust and be still. Stop stewing, Rachael,
The Best is Yet to Come.
Becoming me without Larry,
Rachael