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Rachael’s Ramblings

November 16, 2022January 25, 2023
by Rachael Crabb

“When I feel like I’ll never be able to pick up all of the broken pieces of my heart, it’s the other broken-hearted souls in my life who help me. The ones who are busy picking up their own broken pieces. What a beautiful thing that is – the love and empathy sent out into the world from hearts that are not even whole themselves.” –Author Unknown

I experienced the truth of these words when I received a letter from John Garrett, a man who became a friend to Larry during his first year of graduate school. As newlyweds during Larry’s second year, we were welcomed by John and his wife Sharon, along with others, into their church where we immediately became part of a wonderful family.

People from across the decades of our life sent me many kind, heartfelt, memory triggering, tear producing, touching notes following Larry’s homegoing. But the letter from John that arrived on July 13th, Larry’s first birthday with Jesus, was particularly meaningful. John, as a widower, knew what it was like to pick up the broken pieces of his heart. I read the letter and handed it to Jeanie Stirling, who had come from California to spend some time with me. Her first words after reading it were: “He gets it. This needs to be shared.”

The seed for this blog post was planted. John’s letter, shared here with his permission, is the introduction to “Rachael’s Ramblings” for the Larger Story. But to add even more weight to the strength of John’s letter, here’s a little more of the story: After reading the letter and talking with Jeanie, I felt a strong prompting to call John and tell him how much his letter had meant to us. That call with the three of us was forty minutes of laughter, tears, stories, more laughter, and more tears. And another seed was planted – chat dates with John every few months. Jeanie (in California), John (in Illinois), and I (in North Carolina) have been encouraged, blessed, and motivated to keep picking up the pieces of our hearts, discovering joy in the process.

Perhaps reading John’s letter [below] will give you more insight into what Jeanie and I, along with many others, have experienced with such a profound loss. We’re hoping that this blog prompts you into action to live in the Larger Story that’s playing out all around us. How might you make God look good by reaching out to someone who needs to be seen? Until next time!

–John’s Letter–

Rachael,

You and your family have been on my mind a lot lately, and, since it’s near Larry’s birthday, I wanted to share some of my thoughts with you. All of these “first” times without Larry by your side have to be very difficult for you. I know they were for me. I just wanted to run and hide, to just be alone when birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays came around. It seemed like I was living in a black and white world, with no color, for so long.

I can pretty much imagine how difficult this new era of your life’s journey must be for you. I know how hard it is to find yourself “alone” when it seems you’ve lived all your life being “half of ONE.” It’s difficult to even want to go to bed when the one who was always beside you is not there anymore. (Hugging a pillow is just not the same.)

Who do you say the everyday words of life to, like: “Hey honey, come look at this…Hi dear, how did your day go…Wow, you are so gorgeous (so handsome)…Honey, I have to run to the store, want to come with?…Hon, can you help me with this?…Wow, you wouldn’t believe what happened to me today…Babe, I’ve had a rough day, I really need a hug…Honey, I’m so proud of you…” and the list could go on and on.

Who do you sing to? Who do you say “I love you” to? Who do you say “I’m so glad I married you” to? Who do you hug and hold close and share all your hopes and dreams and problems with? Who do you laugh with? Who do you share a lifetime of personal memories with? Who do you just hold hands with or share a kiss with?

I know that our Lord is always with us and never leaves us nor forsakes us, and we do find our peace and rest in Him. But He also said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” He knows that we were also made for “flesh and blood” relationships as well. I have every confidence that you are well and strong in your faith and love for the Lord, but the journey does seem a little harder without our life-mate beside us. Please know that you are continually in my prayers. And know that I sure miss my friend.

I did watch both memorial services and was so impressed and thrilled in seeing Larry’s life story shared in such a meaningful way. The Lord certainly gave the two of you a marvelous ministry together. You have impacted people’s lives all over this world, including mine. May God continue to bless you and use you for his glory in your ongoing ministry.

My love to all the family.

Trusting and resting in Him,

John Garrett

Blog

Thoughts on Grief

April 20, 2022April 21, 2022
by Larger Story

At my ripe old age of 73, I have come to expect grieving as a reality I will frequently face. I’ve already lost grandparents, both of my parents, aunts/uncles, several cousins, and a number of friends. However, recently walking death’s row with my very close friend and then my daughter as cancer slowly took them from me was really hard.

When the diagnosis was stage 4, I had to accept my time with these two deeply loved people was suddenly limited. As a result, every other focus in my life went on hold, and chunks of my heart kept breaking off as the roller coaster ride of cancer took me on its journey. Inside, I frequently felt scared, angry, sad, and helpless, while on the outside I presented as hopeful, encouraging, and positive. Cancer is weird like that – you are told to “fight” to be positive and encourage every treatment option…while you see the vitality of life draining out.

At the same time, I felt surprised by joy. It truly was an honor and privilege to be so close to these two special people as their death approached. I was able to have significant conversations that penetrated my own mortality and faith. I am good at having deep conversations, but these conversations were unlike any other. As I listened with more intent than I ever had before and dug deep for courage to want to know more, I was able to share the beauty I experienced in how their life touched me and that I would forever hold as a precious gift. In this depth of sharing, an unspeakable joy sat side by side to a suffocating pain. Two strong and powerful feelings experienced at the same time are a lot to hold.

My friend and daughter first fought their cancer with strength borrowed from the cheers of family and friends. Many people had this or that formula for beating cancer; diets and supplements and new treatment protocols were encouraged. However, eventually, they moved toward a peaceful acceptance and began their preparation for death. The conversations also began to change. There was a different spiritual depth which emerged in me that was not from previous experience or head knowledge, but I can only describe it as whispers from God in the darkness. I was a witness to great courage in dying, exploration of what heaven might be like, and the sweet, tender expressions of love for God and family/friendships. The springs of joy that bubbled up as they moved toward another world focus caused me to want both to drink deeply and at the same time push time to stop as moments were too quickly slipping away.

The end of their lives came with a pain that meant for days just sucking in air hurt. It was like I had a heart attack; it felt that physical. A broken heart really is a painful thing. Truthfully knowing they were out of pain or even knowing they were safe in Jesus’ arms brought me little comfort. Grief demands it must be felt and processed, regardless of the pain it brings to the experience. I’d say that is still a work in process…I now hold the paradigm of pain and love together. My current “Red Dot” with grief is that I’d rather not ever have to grieve again. However, when I must grieve again – and I will – I know it is a journey that is beautiful, joyful, and precious, but equally painful. May God give me strength to embrace it and fully live in all of its joy and sorrow.

By Eileen G. Warren

Blog

Balm to my Shattered Heart

July 29, 2021July 29, 2021
by Larger Story

Shattered Dreams Testimonial by Joy Klassen

My heart lay strewn in a million pieces. My dream for my little grandson was shattered, and tears fell as I held his lifeless body in my arms. Examining each little finger and toe and sweet little lips, I cried out to God, knowing that only He could somehow make something out of this. It made no sense. Our prayers stormed the throne room, and yet it felt like God had not listened. In the days that followed, the tears flowed, and I wondered about the reason that God collects tears in a bottle. Surely he had enough of mine to fill a small pond.

Grief has no timeline. A year later, having just resigned from my position as a pastor, I found myself looking forward to School of Spiritual Direction class #33. One of the prerequisites for the course was Larry’s book “Shattered Dreams.” I sat and read, my heart resonating with his words on the back cover of the book: “Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God…”. I was intrigued by this book as I picked up my highlighter in my hand. Okay, I had to read it. But what would I find inside?

I had struggled from the time of my grandson’s silent birth and as much, if not more, now, a year later, with wondering why God was so unresponsive in the middle of this brokenness. Where was God, and why didn’t He think Jay should live? Did I even believe that God was faithful? How could I pray with boldness and believing along with those to whom I was a pastor?

And where was God in the middle of the ugliness that came out of my Christian co-workers in response to my grief? My goodness, were we not all Christ-followers, believing in responding in grace and love? I was so done with Christian pat answers and flippant Jesus quotes!

I needed God to speak. My heart was so broken. Our dreams shattered. My resignation gave me time to walk and talk with God and to begin the process of walking in my grief.

The timing of this must-read was God ordained. I needed to figure out what to do with my feelings toward God, whom I had loved with all my heart and served for years. I was confused by what I felt was a non-response toward us.

From the time I opened the cover ‘til the time I closed Shattered Dreams, I had no doubt God knew what was happening in my heart. I also believe that He knew this book would be like a balm to my shattered heart.

The greatest thing about reading the book was about hope! Through the stories of when “both shoes dropped,” I saw that “God’s surprises aren’t always pleasant.” Ouch, that was an understatement!

I think one of the quotes that spoke to my heart the most was the following: “God will never allow suffering to come into our lives that is not necessary to achieve His good purpose. He doesn’t like to see us suffer. He didn’t like to see Jesus suffer either.” (page 44, Shattered Dreams)

Larry’s words spoke deeply, cutting to the depths of my soul. I began to understand what that quote was about, that God the Father knew exactly what suffering was about as He watched His Son go to the cross for us. My heart resonated with the text like a dry sponge, and my soul drank it in.

Then I met the author, the one I think of as a spiritual father. The words Larry penned in this book came to life during the time I studied under him. Larry himself was not void of shattered dreams. But I saw the love for Jesus, and the love for the Trinity, and the HOPE that oozed out of him for the “best that was yet to come,” and my life changed. The book, coupled with the words Larry spoke in person, fell on my heart, and God knew that my healing had begun.

I began to understand the HOPE that we have in Jesus and how my faithfulness, even in the midst of the shattered mess of life, will move me in my relationship with my Beloved LORD. From that, there will be joy as I know Him more and experience the Trinity in my life.

I am so thankful for this book. It has become a book I have shared with many in ministry, as I encounter those feeling like their lives and dreams have shattered and hope is gone.

Dr. Larry Crabb with Joy Klassen, Author of this Blogpost

Tag: Grief

Rachael’s Ramblings

Thoughts on Grief

Balm to my Shattered Heart